Honoring Interior Seasons

Spring by dareppi from Flickr Creative Commons

Spring by dareppi from Flickr Creative Commons

The spring equinox is this week for about half the world; new life is rising and it’s time to plant seeds literally and metaphorically.

The season inside of us doesn’t always coincide with the season in nature. My life works better when I honor my interior season however I can, whether it’s more physical rest being needed, an emotional retreat from the world or less focus on technological communication and more on energetic connection.

Of course we need to be responsible for our lives but sometimes I opt for a less popular way of being in order to honor an interior season.

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The Delivery of Changing the World

photo: Come Together by h.koppdelaney ~ flickr creative commons

photo: Come together by h.koppdelaney ~ flickr creative commons

We can have a great message or important insight to share with the world but our delivery of the message is important if we want to be heard. Yes, there are some people who are at the level of making changes that other people want them to when they are shamed, guilted, nagged, ridiculed and so on. If the message is so brilliant and right, isn’t it enough to walk the talk and use words of compassion, clarity, respect and insight?

This week I’ve been noticing folks who have good points to make but their delivery is one of anger, scorn, blame and using the word “should”. There’s that saying–I’m not sure who it’s attributed to–that “they won’t remember what you said or did; they’ll remember how you made them feel”.

When I’ve wanted someone to change, I’ve learned that making them wrong and putting them on the defensive hasn’t worked so well. In blogs, when the writer has an observation or opinion, it can be readable and interesting if they’re hip, snarky, scornful and such. They can simply be expressing themselves about their pet peeves or whatever, but disrespecting others and then pointing out what they “should” be doing in a one-size-fits-all, I-have-the-answer way…..really? Is that working these days like it used to?

Truth That Serves

Land of Broken Wings by h.koppdelaney from Flickr Creative Commons

Land of Broken Wings by h.koppdelaney from Flickr Creative Commons

The truth is important, of course, and the search and recognition of it has always been important to me. These days I feel the need to get on with it, really live my life, tie up loose ends and do what I can with what I have. When we pay enough attention, life doesn’t always have to amp up the warning signals that change is needed, yet too much navel gazing and waiting for perfection in answers can slow us down and keep us stuck.

The “truth” at age 20 can be very different than at age 40. Your “truth” is likely very different than mine. It’s a huge subjective area and I want to focus on one part of it today. Giving a nod to the truth that our attitudes, beliefs, words, habits, actions and perceptions can help shape our reality, I want to briefly address the notion that when bad things happen it’s somehow our own damn fault. We created our reality, as they’re fond of repeating like parrots in some circles and usually for a huge fee. How is that helpful? How is that kind? Is it a truth that serves in the moment, where someone is at, with what they have to work with?

It can be truth on some huge, metaphysical plane but as we’re here to be living and learning in a human lifetime, how does listening to the beating drum of “you created your illness; you can create something different” truly serve us?

Recently the self-help author Debbie Ford died after a long battle with cancer. She helped many people with her work, knew and worked with Deepak Chopra and knew a lot of those folks at Hay House, which is a large New Age publishing company. Louis Hay wrote a little blue pamphlet decades ago that matched particular diseases with “wrong thoughts, attitudes and emotions”. While the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects of our lives are connected, it isn’t that simple and formulaic.

Like many people, I’ve subscribed to e-zines and such for topics that I have a deep or passing interest in. Most of them I never open. One of them is a weekly e-mail from life coach, author and speaker Cheryl Richardson, which this week mentioned Debbie Ford in the subject line. I opened this one.

Richardson got to spend some time with Debbie Ford in the last few days of her life. This quote is taken from the newsletter:

“Death is a doorway to the next stage of our spiritual lives and when we approach this doorway together, hearts and hands aligned, it becomes a profoundly healing experience for all parties involved. I’m so grateful to have had this adventure with her.

Before I left, there was one thing, in particular, that Debbie asked me to share with people as I continue to travel and teach.

‘Please tell people that they do not cause their own illness – it’s a ridiculous notion that creates so much needless pain. All illness, including my cancer, is an invitation to love ourselves more,” she insisted. And then with her signature shadow laugh, she added, “The truth is, in the end, that’s what life is all about anyway – learning to love ourselves more’.”

There’s a truth that I’m choosing and it’ll serve me better than the misinformation circulating around in some segments of our culture.

When the Crazy Comes Out

Spring Flowers by El Frito from  Flickr Creative Commons

Spring Flowers by El Frito from Flickr Creative Commons


I haven’t noticed any spring flowers in my area but they’re surely on the way. The sun has been shining more, the ice is gone from the sidewalks for the time being and sometimes it isn’t always windy. Windy is annoying and can lower my mood.

I can be puttering or rushing along and let something effect me and when I can see what’s happening I usually work at regaining some equanimity rather than going into a downward spiral. Lately I’ve noticed a fair amount of people flipping out of character, both in my personal life and with those I connect with online. The news headlines are full of stories of people who crossed over a line of going out of character to a seeming point of no return and now they must face consequences.

Loyalty is a value I hold dear, not abandoning people I care about on the basis of a downward turn in circumstances or the fact that they are no longer able to offer something they once did.

But when the crazy comes out I don’t want to invest too much time in understanding it. Tantrums, venomous spewing that seems to have no relation to whatever is going on in objective reality, vague overreactions, especially with online interactions–I just want to step away. Some people are consistently displaying attitudes but I’m writing about those who seem to lose it in a way that seems to come from out of nowhere.

When people show me by their actions who they are, I’m going to take more note of it. In the meantime I’m avoiding the wind where possible and am on alert for the first spring flower I see outdoors.

Some Things Never Seem to Change

I’ve been working on a creative project the last few days. You know that mythical creature, the crazed artist, who blocks out the rest of the world for periods of time and whose living quarters are a jumble of tools of the trade and discarded work and evidence of intense activity?

Damn!

Yeah.

Oh, and recently I got an e-reader. Not being a technically inclined person, I’m proud to say that I managed to get it up and running and have downloaded a book onto it.

And I’m still eating healthy and home-cooked and have the trashed kitchen to prove it.

So, this weekend I’ll be doing a bit more housecleaning than I intended.

Qwest Communications

It’s spring break here and it isn’t spring fever kind of weather yet but it works for me. I ran errands today and got back just in time before it rained.

I was very alert and relatively pain-free and was productive, taking advantage of it by getting a lot done in less time than it would usually take.

I believe that what we focus on in life is what we get more of. I cultivate patience and tolerance and gratitude in myself. I don’t recall every getting into a rant here in my blog but if I did it would be about my umm…..communications service. Internet, phone and billing from the communications company in the title of this post.

There are some reasons why I am not going to be switching companies for a little while longer. They seriously fail.

And that’s all I’m going to say.

Sixtythree

The temperature was sixty three here today, a record breaker for my area I believe. There was a choice for me–be outdoors or stay in and be structured and goal-focused. Well.

When I’m flexible, things seem to go better. And I think I’m getting overloaded with information and inspiration and opinions again. My mind is naturally curious but most of what I read is from younger, healthier, more confident and driven people. Maybe I should just take a break and live my life without being so vigilant about it. That comes from post traumatic stress and growing up with crisis and drama. As an empath, I felt like I needed to be the lightening rod and diffuse everyone’s discomfort.

I enjoy reading blogs here but like I said, maybe I should take a break the rest of the week.

I had a paperwork meltdown today. Much of the crop insurance and farm related paperwork I deal with is boring beyond belief. The environmental poisoning that makes me look like I have MS, also affects my speech and cognitive function. I work really, really hard at not letting my current condition inconvenience others and at being accurate with my transactions with them. Even this blog–I edit, check spelling and punctuation as best I can and try to make some sense.

Today my farm bureau membership dues invoice came and there were inaccuracies again. This happens a lot and inconveniences and upsets me. It takes energy that really diminishes my day. The ironic thing is that I’m considered unemployable at this time because I can’t meet anyone’s needs, yet much of what I receive from so-called competent people is messed up. For years I worked in customer service and I don’t recall it being O.K. to have the attitude that some of these folks have.

I guess that turned into a rant? So, I’m glad I enjoyed the outdoors today. Yes, that is what I chose. This is my life, weird as it is and I want to make the most of it. That does not include pushing myself into diminishing returns.

Some Opinions

The temperature was in the mid fifties today and it wasn’t windy out. Considering that I physically overdid it yesterday, I was reasonably functional. In fact my spirit was doing way better than my body and mind which weren’t keeping up very well, so I plodded along.

I’m optimistic enough that I’m going to write about some things I don’t like today.

One is the dvd series “A Touch Of Evil” that I got from the library yesterday. I really enjoy BBC mysteries and I think Robson Green is interesting. This seems to have been filmed in the late 90″s. Now I’m again realizing that I don’t care about the stories much in these shows. It’s the manners, houses, gardens and such that I like. The pace. But this show doesn’t have that. It’s all metal, glass and plastic, all in the city and filmed in grays and smoky blues. Stark. No music. Bleak.

I also watched the Kiera Knightly version of Pride and Prejudice. I like the Colin Firth one better. Hmmm…..didn’t like the new art I looked at yesterday. Am I middle-aged in outlook now? Heh.

Today I went to Winco and got a few groceries. Almond milk instead of rice milk since I’ll be cutting out even more grain based foods from my diet. Walking back, two women approached me. One had a sign about getting signatures for a petition having to do with Norml.

That’s fine—they can do that. But I don’t really care. I’m burned out with people who don’t care about me going on about their agendas. I was polite, listened and told them I didn’t think pot should be criminalized. But when I wanted to share my opinion that in all the research I’ve done, I now believe weed is really bad for physical, mental and energetic health–doing nasty things to people’s auras, I could sense the mind of the one I was speaking to, close shut. So I was done. Then I noticed that the other one had a small camera pointed at me. I went on my way but am wondering if they were recording me. Without notifying me and getting permission. So now, no way am I going to care at all about their cause.

And that’s the way I feel about it and if it makes me seem like a grumpy old lady, oh well.

Showing Up Again

I still want to post every day this year, be positive and authentic, but am sorely disappointed in human nature and wondering if I can ever, ever fix all the mistakes I’ve made.

I’m tempted to write about the bok choy salad I’ve made instead. Rice noodles have made it onto my radar (gluten free) and I broke them into bits and sauteed them in butter and added chopped green onions and slivered almonds, soy sauce, apple cider vinegar and olive oil.

Or I could write about some of the production notes I’ve read about Midsomer Murders, a BBC series I have on dvd and love to watch. It costs two million dollars per episode! And takes five or six weeks to shoot. And in England there is a challenge with aircraft noise when shooting films.

Some things have currently made me jump back into survival mode. That’s what growth is, excavating, understanding, releasing and moving on and then doing it again and again. There’s nothing linear about it. It’s more like a dance.

There are basic developmental things I’ve missed out on and it causes problems. Our society encourages us to be in denial about a lot of things, soldier on, don’t act like a victim, be positive blah, blah, blah and a lot of time that’s all about the person dishing out that advice. They don’t want to feel uncomfortable, they don’t want us to drag down the vibrations, not pitch in to contribute to society enough or whatever it is that they’re perceiving that makes them so lacking in compassion and so abundant with poor advice.

So, I’ve wasted a lot of resources reaching for things without a proper foundation because no one would believe my history. This is the road I’m taking to learn to trust myself, not the people who have no clue what it’s like to be me.

Well, I guess that is obscure and the details don’t really matter. It’s simply been another rough day and I’ll get through to the sunny days again. I feel like a fool for trusting my fellow humans and that is sad.

Sunday Morning Odds and Ends

Actually it’s mid-day here and warm out (relatively), I’m able to walk without too much pain and my hair is clean. So, I’m wanting to get out and get some more food before it rains–30% chance.

Writing my morning pages went well today–it unearthed something that may seem a little shadier than the bright tone I attempt to take here. It’s about nuances–as usual–regarding human nature–discernibility to the degree of acceptance in the now moment and the degree to which one wants to grow and move on to better circumstances, how sometimes it’s better to learn from someone closer to us in proximity than someone who would sell us a bulldozer for the task of digging a small flower bed for the first time ever. About how good people can be highway robbers, because we are traveling in a strange land where that’s the way it goes.

Whew! I’ll maybe get back to you on that–there is a wide gap between my consciousness and my ability to find terms and words and organize them with clarity, but this is important for me because it fine tunes the way I can handle obstacles on my journey. The audience I’m writing for, persevering people with huge challenges, willing to take responsibility, have self-authority and who are about a mile behind me–well, they are not on the internet reading WordPress blogs. And that’s O.K. I will carry on.

Reading a book about novel writing, I ran into the brick wall of not having an idea that I think I can manage somewhat for my first endeavor. For the time being anyway. And the little basil plant I’m growing from a seed (another post waiting) has survived the watering can washout from yesterday where it appeared to have vanished for a day. Win some, lose some. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell which is which.

Giselle Bundchen, a super-mode,l has said that sunscreen is bad–causes cancer, I think. I only read the headline, but I guess some big company is not liking her saying that. From all the research I’ve done, I agree with her. Except now I’ve modified it to putting sunscreen on the face for graceful aging purposes.

And and obscure source I check out has found that for many people there is a generation of our ancestors that got too much sun which altered DNA and that the current “craze” for vitamin D3 is not necessarily good. They work with miasms and vibrational remedies. We really need to pay attention and do due diligence when it comes to choices we make. Pay attention.

Then there are those who are in survival mode and the question of sunscreen and vitamin D3 supplements is not at all a priority.

Which brings me to another personal insight. Take my word, I’ve not had many good people in my life. On the hierarchy of needs, (Maslow?), I get frustrated with the belonging and be loved need and attempt to jump to self-actualization. Who wants to be stuck when the world doesn’t cooperate? It seems I’ve been in survival mode longer than I thought or want to be. Yet, I carry on.

Lastly, my blog got a lot of hits. From a spammer with an acne med. site. At least this one wasn’t about porn. Now, somewhat cheerfully I’m off to brave possibly eventual inclement weather to score some healthy food.

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