Showing Up Again

I still want to post every day this year, be positive and authentic, but am sorely disappointed in human nature and wondering if I can ever, ever fix all the mistakes I’ve made.

I’m tempted to write about the bok choy salad I’ve made instead. Rice noodles have made it onto my radar (gluten free) and I broke them into bits and sauteed them in butter and added chopped green onions and slivered almonds, soy sauce, apple cider vinegar and olive oil.

Or I could write about some of the production notes I’ve read about Midsomer Murders, a BBC series I have on dvd and love to watch. It costs two million dollars per episode! And takes five or six weeks to shoot. And in England there is a challenge with aircraft noise when shooting films.

Some things have currently made me jump back into survival mode. That’s what growth is, excavating, understanding, releasing and moving on and then doing it again and again. There’s nothing linear about it. It’s more like a dance.

There are basic developmental things I’ve missed out on and it causes problems. Our society encourages us to be in denial about a lot of things, soldier on, don’t act like a victim, be positive blah, blah, blah and a lot of time that’s all about the person dishing out that advice. They don’t want to feel uncomfortable, they don’t want us to drag down the vibrations, not pitch in to contribute to society enough or whatever it is that they’re perceiving that makes them so lacking in compassion and so abundant with poor advice.

So, I’ve wasted a lot of resources reaching for things without a proper foundation because no one would believe my history. This is the road I’m taking to learn to trust myself, not the people who have no clue what it’s like to be me.

Well, I guess that is obscure and the details don’t really matter. It’s simply been another rough day and I’ll get through to the sunny days again. I feel like a fool for trusting my fellow humans and that is sad.


  1. February 9, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Sadly the older and more cynical I get, the more I realize that Human Beings are simply inherently selfish by nature. I used to take for granted things like “pleases” and “thank yous” , people who asked how one was and actually listened to the answer, and people who threw trash in the cans rather than on the street. I used to expect more of people and myself. But after being constantly disappointed and often ridiculed for being “too nice”–I’ve resigned myself now to the fact that in order to have a positive outlook on life one must actually really appreciate and commend such things (and not expect them or anything more) because they are so far and few in between.

    • silvercannon said,

      February 9, 2011 at 11:12 am

      As another “too nice” person, I hear you. I endeavor to remember that the only person I can somewhat manage is myself so I pay attention to my own standards of good manners, good citizenship and ethical behavior.

      Also, it helps to realistically look at and listen to those one is involved with, not with rose-colored glasses, not with just their “good potential” and not with only acknowledging the lovely soul with in. Even really good people have their own best interest first which has been a hard lesson for me to learn.

      Now I’m going for learning from my mistakes, taking responsibility and also forgiving myself when I mess it up yet again. It seems important not to close our hearts and become bitter–just become more alert and discerning and take better care of ourselves.

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