Suddenly Lighter

Two of the most challenging things about blogging for me is my password and thinking of titles for my posts. When it comes to the actual writing, I just ramble like I talk. I don’t have to look at anyone’s blank expression or rolling eyes or smirking face here either.

After weeks of feeling like I was moving through molasses, things seemed to open up today and be a lot easier. I guess I could do some research to see if there was any planetary activity going on. Just kidding.

First of all, it has felt like Friday all day instead of Thursday. Out of nowhere I got up early and while waiting on laundry to cycle, I planned a budget for the next eight months. That is a miracle. Never have I been able to figure out a budget that I could stick to or that made any sense. You can scoff all you like that I’m not even into it for 24 hours, but the thing is that I have never found any software or templates that made any sense for my particular weird situation. (And I’m not going into that now.)

I have the Quicken starter edition. I got it less than two months ago and it doesn’t do what I was looking for. Likely when it comes time to need a new one, I’ll let it go.

After looking over free planners and software yesterday evening and this morning, not too far into the quest I found something that works for me. Nothing to download and I could customize it to my own unique needs. It’s a simple spreadsheet and didn’t take too long to fill out.

Basically what I have to work with is the money to live on for the next eight months. So I divided that up in a way that seemed beyond my abilities before. It simply doesn’t work anymore to not keep track of things but really, I have trouble with organization and it was all too overwhelming. Until this morning. So while it may be simple for you, I am feeling like an accomplished genius right now. Now my mind can rest until I need it for something else.

Other things were easier for me today too but this is major for me. Something that has seemed so complicated for decades just fell into place.

I’m sure it happens for other people too. WooHoo!

Advertisements

Puttering

Many things change rapidly in this age, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the sake of change. Over the last few months I haven’t been posting here and now I find myself awkwardly navigating around the dashboard with things looking unfamiliar.

In October I got a new notebook PC and I allowed a salesperson talk me into something different than my internet research had led me to choose. It has one of those sensitive mouse things that has the cursor jumping all over and sometimes freezing. I’ve looked at fixes online, experimented and am learning to type funny, avoiding the mouse area. Just one more thing I’m learning to tolerate.

Most of the Christmas cards I’ll be getting have arrived by now. Cards from people who seem to be more, have more and do more than me. So,I work with that.

Dairy foods cause trouble for me, but I like Nancy’s brand yogurt and awhile back I found that they have sour cream too. And now I’m really happy that they have cream cheese! The products have live cultures in them and are organic. I even bought out of season strawberries at an outrageous price to slice and put on nut crackers with the cream cheese and I’m not feeling deprived of holiday goodies this year.

It might rain tomorrow and I’ll likely stay in as I’ve been pushing myself a lot lately. Lots of little projects to do and I’ll just pay no attention to the news and make good choices. Maybe I’ll even show up here again.

Static

I’m getting a lot done lately, especially on the weekend we just had. When the energy and motivation’s there to do something, I’ve learned to go with it even if it’s an odd time. Today I reorganized my pantry and saved some items from expiring and found things I didn’t know I had. It gives my intellect a break much in the same way that watching television or walking along the river does. I just made my choices, not having to listen to the opinions of the world and ignoring my inner critic, who to this day still jabbers at me about maybe doing some activity other than what I’m doing.

I write more lists and jot information down throughout the day and no longer expect my mind to remember so many things. Somewhere I’ve picked up the habit of expecting my mind to accomplish things that are really not it’s job.

I enjoy showing up here at my blog and don’t care if anyone reads it or not, although I like it when someone responds. With all the static in the world and people talking and seemingly not listening, it’s amazing when I log on here and see the weird spam comments. That surely must be automated in some way. What a total waste it seems and I wonder if anything ever, ever, ever makes it worthwhile to the ones who spew that out. I mean, here I am attempting to make time expand in the present moment and make choices to live a meaningful life and some sad soul has contributed more spam and static into the world.

And with that, I’m not going to think about it or mention it again.

Fashion Trends I Like

Now this is a subject I rarely speak up about. I’ve developed my own fashion sense over the years, know what I like and what works for me and dress to please myself. I do notice fashion though. There are two trends that (according to the internet) are coming up for 2012 and I welcome them.

One is the color of the year for 2012. Every year Pantone chooses a color and it really does affect clothing, decor, nail polish and other stuff that consumers buy. It really is a big deal in the industry. The color chosen is Tangerine Mango. It is a delicious shade of, well….tangerine mango. This is a color I wouldn’t wear unless it was shaded with gray but I do have similar colored objects in my home and love to look at them.

The second trend is a move to flatter shoes for women. Equestrian boots and kind of biker boot looks. The high heeled shoe thing is ridiculous and dangerous. And no, it isn’t sour grapes because I am physically not able to wear them.

I sometimes watch television on hulu and see the shows where the female detectives, spies and the like run down alleys after people and climb down river banks to look at dead bodies….in heels. Those shows will look weird and clunky in re-runs I think and I welcome the end of the high-heeled run, if this report is true.

Junk Food

I don’t eat junk food and haven’t been able to for quite awhile. I’m on a very restricted diet and feel horror at what other people eat.

There’s someone I care about who’s mentally ill. His diet is awful and I believe it’s killing him, but he’s an adult and I ought to respect his right to make choices. He has a fair amount of money and could probably get whatever he wants but he has such a need control his environment that he lives quite frugally. As in unplugging his refrigerator to keep his electric bill down and opening a can of peas and eating it cold right out of the can.

It’s good to feel that people care during the holidays and I very much like for him to get presents in the mail. But he doesn’t like things people give him. My budget is such that I really don’t want to do without things I need in order to give him things he doesn’t want. But he does like crappy food. The healthy snacks I’ve attempted to interest him in didn’t go over well. So, today I decided to finally give him what he truly seems to enjoy, junk food. So he can get a package in the mail. It isn’t like I’m giving him illegal drugs or something but I didn’t get to this place easily.

There are two places I shop for my groceries. At the local co-op where I get my organic stuff and at an employee owned store where I get what I can because the prices are more reasonable. I picked out the usual amount of items, what I could carry and was surprised that it cost more than twice what the healthier food at the employee owned store usually does. And it’s about the same amount as an equal bag full at the co-op where the price of organic meat and veggies seem quite high.

The stuff isn’t boxed up yet and I’m looking at it across the room and am not at all tempted to eat any of it. In the grand big picture, this is probably not a big deal at all. Maybe it’s nit-picky and obsessive for me to have to over-think this so. But now, at the end of this day, this is what I most remember.

A Year Later

This blog was started a year ago yesterday on a whim. I don’t recall what I was thinking at the time. It seems I may have been tired of being an eternal feedback machine for people talking at me but never listening. My blog–I could express myself and tune out everyone who wanted to argue with me.

Yeah, I have symptoms of chronic fatigue and one of the things that sinks my energy really fast if for someone to argue with me about something I’ve said. It really does make me want to say, “whatever.”

Also my creativity is messy. I was attracted to producing something that at first, superficial glance appeared to be polished and somewhat professional. I soon found that putting photos in was more work than I wanted to do.

I wanted to add some structure to my life. Not being able to depend on my health from one day to the next, it’s quite a challenge to walk that fine line of putting my health first and being productive and moving forward in my life. Often I’m the only one I’m accountable to and that whole integrity and responsibility and the like is really getting exercised on my part.

It has made a difference although I’m not quite clear as to why. Like today, I’m still not at my best and because I have some structure in place I’m not collapsing into a pile of mush, brain included.

The blog so far seems to be a winter seasonal thing. I’d really rather be outdoors. I still look at the blogs of others when I have time. It’s amazing really for someone who was born way before all this internet stuff happened. And like many other things, it makes a difference how each person finds a place to fit it into their own life. It feels like most of us have even less time than we did last year. I hope that gets flipped back soon.

Egg Nog and Naps

For health reasons I’ve been on a very specialized diet and I’m doing well with that. One of the things which I only recall its existence during this time of the year is egg nog. Plain old supermarket egg nog in a carton. So I decided to allow myself to buy and drink one and I’m doing o.k. with that too. It hasn’t lasted as long as I had hoped but I doubt if I’ll be going on a food chemical-induced binge. The once carton will be enough. Oh, and it wasn’t soy or lite either. It is the stuff I really enjoy.

I also indulged in naps today which my body seemed to really need. I’ve been pushing myself to be more productive for months in some kind of attempt to make up for the time and effort I lost when I was seriously fatigued. Before that all happened, people were making painful demands on me. Like many of us, I guess I internalized some of those expectations. It might be worth it to check it once in awhile to see if all we push ourselves to do is really all that important and if it’s truly expected of us. Maybe no one will notice if we drop some things and give ourselves a break. I’ve found that to be true. If I hadn’t written about my naps right here, no one on the planet would have known.

Some Things Never Seem to Change

I’ve been working on a creative project the last few days. You know that mythical creature, the crazed artist, who blocks out the rest of the world for periods of time and whose living quarters are a jumble of tools of the trade and discarded work and evidence of intense activity?

Damn!

Yeah.

Oh, and recently I got an e-reader. Not being a technically inclined person, I’m proud to say that I managed to get it up and running and have downloaded a book onto it.

And I’m still eating healthy and home-cooked and have the trashed kitchen to prove it.

So, this weekend I’ll be doing a bit more housecleaning than I intended.