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The Master Cat by h.koppdelaney from Flickr Creative Commons

The Master Cat by h.koppdelaney from Flickr Creative Commons

Creativity and inspiration, like many things in life, arrives in waves and cycles. Seeing that truth as a problem when the wave is out or the cycle is quiet has never been helpful to my peace of mind. This week, there hasn’t been any inner urging to post about a particular subject and I was tempted to skip a week. It happens to bloggers all the time. Who would ever notice?

Different thoughts went through my mind like butterflies. Blogging once a week is a practice that is serving me well; if I skipped a week would I ever return? Doing things mindlessly, like an automaton, isn’t so good–yet, it didn’t seem as though my habit is quite that bad. There’s no need to compare any of my posts with any other, whether mine or another bloggers.

I decided to take extra care with brunch and not think about it. It can be pleasant to rest and not have something calling to be expressed. Showing up here is a healthy practice and contributes to my feeling that all is well and it doesn’t have to be a bigger deal than it actually is.

I found a great picture that demonstrates how I’m choosing to approach this lull in what I wish to blog about. And like a cat, I might spring into action when there is something to spark my interest again.

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2013

photo by RLHyde from Flickr Creative Commons

photo by RLHyde from Flickr Creative Commons

It’s a new year. I didn’t post very often in 2012 and I think I can do once a week this year. Mondays will be a good day to do so.

What inspired me to blog when I started had something to do with the Misty Look Theme photo. I loved the stone bridge over the water of the quiet stream with the autumn colors and willow trees nearby and the gentle path. It is similar to the landscape in my interior world. When I see the new earth in my mind’s eye, it isn’t pastel and bubblegum colors with cartoon unicorns, rainbows and butterflies. Instead it’s a more grounded, classic beauty.

When I logged in last week with the intention of taking up blogging today, I was informed that Misty Look had an updated theme. It was now Misty Lake and I did not like it at all. It was the photo that disappointed. If I were more tech-inclined and patient there might have been a way to use the previous bridge photo with the Misty Lake theme.

The old theme can still be used but in the future the code will be unsupported. I’m not sure what that means but it didn’t sound like anything I wanted to be surprised with so I looked for another theme, chose this one and then spent time on Flickr searching for a festive photo that I would be allowed to use.

It isn’t a big deal but I could have easily just given up. Not bothered. I’m not sure what I’ll learn or who I’ll meet because of my new re-commitment to blogging. This will likely be a more sane and calm year than last although it has it’s challenges as well. Right now the snow is steadily falling here and I’ve managed to complete the first of my blog posts of the year.

Static

I’m getting a lot done lately, especially on the weekend we just had. When the energy and motivation’s there to do something, I’ve learned to go with it even if it’s an odd time. Today I reorganized my pantry and saved some items from expiring and found things I didn’t know I had. It gives my intellect a break much in the same way that watching television or walking along the river does. I just made my choices, not having to listen to the opinions of the world and ignoring my inner critic, who to this day still jabbers at me about maybe doing some activity other than what I’m doing.

I write more lists and jot information down throughout the day and no longer expect my mind to remember so many things. Somewhere I’ve picked up the habit of expecting my mind to accomplish things that are really not it’s job.

I enjoy showing up here at my blog and don’t care if anyone reads it or not, although I like it when someone responds. With all the static in the world and people talking and seemingly not listening, it’s amazing when I log on here and see the weird spam comments. That surely must be automated in some way. What a total waste it seems and I wonder if anything ever, ever, ever makes it worthwhile to the ones who spew that out. I mean, here I am attempting to make time expand in the present moment and make choices to live a meaningful life and some sad soul has contributed more spam and static into the world.

And with that, I’m not going to think about it or mention it again.

A Year Later

This blog was started a year ago yesterday on a whim. I don’t recall what I was thinking at the time. It seems I may have been tired of being an eternal feedback machine for people talking at me but never listening. My blog–I could express myself and tune out everyone who wanted to argue with me.

Yeah, I have symptoms of chronic fatigue and one of the things that sinks my energy really fast if for someone to argue with me about something I’ve said. It really does make me want to say, “whatever.”

Also my creativity is messy. I was attracted to producing something that at first, superficial glance appeared to be polished and somewhat professional. I soon found that putting photos in was more work than I wanted to do.

I wanted to add some structure to my life. Not being able to depend on my health from one day to the next, it’s quite a challenge to walk that fine line of putting my health first and being productive and moving forward in my life. Often I’m the only one I’m accountable to and that whole integrity and responsibility and the like is really getting exercised on my part.

It has made a difference although I’m not quite clear as to why. Like today, I’m still not at my best and because I have some structure in place I’m not collapsing into a pile of mush, brain included.

The blog so far seems to be a winter seasonal thing. I’d really rather be outdoors. I still look at the blogs of others when I have time. It’s amazing really for someone who was born way before all this internet stuff happened. And like many other things, it makes a difference how each person finds a place to fit it into their own life. It feels like most of us have even less time than we did last year. I hope that gets flipped back soon.

Summer

This year I am really enjoying the dry heat of summer where I’m living. Spring came late and much of my productivity from that time is paying off now as I drift a bit enjoying summer.

Many of my ambitions and intentions of being productive that I wrote down last winter are forgotten. I am enjoying my life though. Knowing myself, I will become all fired up about something again eventually and when the energy is there for it, I’ll make up for any time I feel I’m losing now.

Actually, I don’t feel like I’m losing time at all. When I stay in the present moment, time seems to expand, like a portable eternity. I get done what feels important for the day and what is aligned with my values. Without thinking too much about it. My mind is finally getting breaks from the hamster-wheel it has often been on during the past. The past I barely recall most of the time.

It has been good for my health. It has been good for my happiness. And I am still a responsible, caring, contributing member of the human race.

Often I have words to go with the enjoyable feelings and experiences..words that arrive easily…sometimes processing kinds of words as I emotionally or spiritually heal from this or that. They seem to be pertaining to me only and when I think about making my way to the computer–this one that has my WordPress password saved, since I don’t recall where I wrote it down–well, I just don’t arrive at this point to write.

It feels like two weeks or so since I’ve been here and I see it has been two months. Today I showed up to approve a comment that was offered on a previous post. But I am well and enjoying summer. Of course I have challenges and issues but I no longer am feeling that I’m hanging on by my fingernails. Or that I need to record my days as though I might be taking a scary journey through a weird landscape. I am simply enjoying the scenery. Or observing with interest the fun-house mirror weirdness.

When I speak, my words often still go in one ear and out the other, if that, to the one I am speaking too. But I mind less because I make sense to myself.

Outside of My Comfort Zone

O.K., I said I was going to blog Monday, Wednesday and Fridays instead of the post-a-day-thing. Yes, today is Thursday. I am making choices here and it isn’t like a lot of people read this, although I do appreciated the few who do.

I am “middle-aged” and I’m learning new things, fortunately by choice. It means I get disoriented, confused and frustrated. Everything new I want is outside of my comfort zone right now–and I’m going for it. I can explain it for myself but don’t have the energy to write about the details here here.

Some people my age have to be forced by necessity to make changes out of the status quo box. I have always been restless at some point–I am not a descendant of immigrants to plant myself somewhere safe and stay there forever.

My mind has been stretched beyond the habit of posting here everyday. I like reading a few of the blogs here—some regularly and then checking out some new freshly pressed ones. So, I am not going anywhere but it may be awhile before I have something report-worthy.

Ditching the Postaday

There are other things I want to do than force myself to keep a commitment I made last winter when I was tired and it was too cold to go out limping around on the ice. It has been with careful thought that I am changing my mine and frankly I almost forget to post sometimes because I am engaged in something else and then remember late in the evening.

When I have something I need to say, I will post. Otherwise I think I will go for three times a week—Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I am limiting my television watching and other internet time also. Unless I feel morose and crappy and want to check out for awhile. What I am talking about here are daily habits. Going into default mode.

Words cannot describe how fatigued I used to get and wanting to have as much a life as possible, the interwebs was about all I could manage other than the basics. It isn’t the life I aspire to though. So I will give this an experimental try.

See you on Wednesday.

Clarity

My life, as life is for many other people, is reorganizing organically into some model I never imagined decades ago. Of course some of it’s by design, some experimentation, some reaction and then there’s the blindsiding stuff.

Many times it’s darkest before the dawn and other cliches. My filtering has not been my strongest asset and priorities end up being different than I think they are going to be. Everyone’s on a different part of the spectrum on this one.

Clarity is so important in living a successful life when things aren’t cut out for you any longer. Using myself as an example–I have many interests and it’s my health that is the most important focus for me. The art, writing (and obscure, energetic talent that has been more of a curse than a blessing until I gain some skills) are important for me to develop. They get worked in after the health thing that is on my plate right now, even though I don’t always accept it as cool and worthy.

I realized today that it’s my mindset I need to work with first for the biggest bang for my energy, time and effort and developing my skill set is secondary at this point. This is very useful for me to know as I go about my day and something I didn’t see clearly a few days ago. It used to be that I was overwhelmed with demands and reacting so these are things I’m learning now while my life is unstructured.

I’ve been dealing with my blog by writing about things like ice cream and television shows and birds because this has all been swirling around me in a confusing way. Now I feel all is right again and I make a point of moving through the panic phases as quickly as I can.

There continues to be events and situations in the world that moves other people into fresh panic as well as the underlying anxiety. That’s why I often find it a relief that some people are doing very well. On some level we are all one and we really need a balance of some people having ease to offset the truly crappy times that other people are going through.

Well, what I’m attempting to get at here is that sometimes it feels like the struggle will never end but in a little while things become more clear and then there is an order of a higher level to work with. If you were in the same room with me you could probably hear the wheels in my head creaking and grinding, with steam coming off my skull as I learn these new things. For some reason, what people TELL me is often not accurate for my situation–or maybe the timing is off. It sneaks up on me while I’m puttering.

I’ve committed to blogging everyday which makes my posts all over the place through these cycles I suppose.

Spring

It was a really good day to run errands here. Most of the snow that was in the foothills has melted by this evening.

I’m still adjusting to a better sleep schedule. Instead of looking at flickering electronics until late at night, I’ve been going to bed earlier and keeping the room as dark as possible, including taking out the LED clock.
As a result, I’ve been waking and getting up at about 5:30 a.m. although I’ve not been sleeping well at all.

This morning I did housework, laundry and paperwork. It was weird to be so productive. Several times this afternoon and evening I tried to post but the WordPress servers were down and I wondered if it would be the end of my daily posting streak.

My account is free and the WordPress folks are mostly volunteers, I believe. They do a great job and I appreciate being able to blog here.

Into Three Digit Posts

Yesterday I wrote my 100th post in a row. This blog is enjoyable and I’ve been showing up even when I feel listless and snotty.

After a weekend of rain, today was sunny and not too windy and it was one of those days when people noticed me and were friendly. Seriously, some days I’m invisible.

Mostly I was getting sunshine, exercise and more food. When a diet consists of mostly plants, there is a lot of shopping involved. Especially for fresh produce instead of frozen or canned.

I’m reading another new book on adrenaline exhaustion. While having several other books already and plenty of information, I find the subject fascinating. This year, I’ve kept my resolution to prepare all my meals at home instead of dining in restaurants but my break from book buying hasn’t gone so well. Looking at my credit card statement, I see I’ve spent about three hundred dollars on books this year. Perhaps that seems excessive but I’m not travelling or going out these days. With the weather getting better, I’ll intend to utilize the public library more and once again resolve to take a break from buying books until I’ve read more of the ones I have.

It just seems that so much change is happening in the world and people are writing interesting things about it. The health field is changing rapidly among other areas. While I enjoy the internet, I don’t care for what it does to my attention span
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Anyway, what I really wanted to write about when I began today–and I’m feeling perkier and chattier than the last few days– is that the recommendation for my diet is to eat every three hours. I love food and that’s great for me. Of course, they aren’t all meals–some are snacks–but still.

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