Singing In The Chorus

Singing is another one of those things I don’t do well. I have a whispery, rather monotone speaking voice and cannot carry a tune. But growing up, there were times I found myself in situations where I was required to sing in groups and found it quite enjoyable. As long as I didn’t project my voice too loudly and the ones surrounding me weren’t sensitive complainers, I could enjoy the energy of the chorus and the magic of live music. The value was in the experience and not in the feedback.

I’m reminded of that when I become aware of all that is being expressed in the world. Sometimes it seems a cacophony that no one is paying attention to, and of course it is often of higher quality than my singing. But it’s important in some way that I am quite unable to explain at this time. I know I’ve written of this before.

I hope all the creators and enthusiasts keep on singing in their chorus. Humanity rejoices for it, even though it may not be apparent today.

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A Year Later

This blog was started a year ago yesterday on a whim. I don’t recall what I was thinking at the time. It seems I may have been tired of being an eternal feedback machine for people talking at me but never listening. My blog–I could express myself and tune out everyone who wanted to argue with me.

Yeah, I have symptoms of chronic fatigue and one of the things that sinks my energy really fast if for someone to argue with me about something I’ve said. It really does make me want to say, “whatever.”

Also my creativity is messy. I was attracted to producing something that at first, superficial glance appeared to be polished and somewhat professional. I soon found that putting photos in was more work than I wanted to do.

I wanted to add some structure to my life. Not being able to depend on my health from one day to the next, it’s quite a challenge to walk that fine line of putting my health first and being productive and moving forward in my life. Often I’m the only one I’m accountable to and that whole integrity and responsibility and the like is really getting exercised on my part.

It has made a difference although I’m not quite clear as to why. Like today, I’m still not at my best and because I have some structure in place I’m not collapsing into a pile of mush, brain included.

The blog so far seems to be a winter seasonal thing. I’d really rather be outdoors. I still look at the blogs of others when I have time. It’s amazing really for someone who was born way before all this internet stuff happened. And like many other things, it makes a difference how each person finds a place to fit it into their own life. It feels like most of us have even less time than we did last year. I hope that gets flipped back soon.

Some Things Never Seem to Change

I’ve been working on a creative project the last few days. You know that mythical creature, the crazed artist, who blocks out the rest of the world for periods of time and whose living quarters are a jumble of tools of the trade and discarded work and evidence of intense activity?

Damn!

Yeah.

Oh, and recently I got an e-reader. Not being a technically inclined person, I’m proud to say that I managed to get it up and running and have downloaded a book onto it.

And I’m still eating healthy and home-cooked and have the trashed kitchen to prove it.

So, this weekend I’ll be doing a bit more housecleaning than I intended.

Observations About Giving Up

There are a lot of things I don’t know. Sometimes I’m amazed that I got to be this age without learning some basic things–things that seem like trivia to me–that other people take for granted as fact.

Today I’m writing about something I do know and I don’t really care anymore who believes it or not.

I am very empathetic, which is I can feel what it’s like to be something or someone. People who are not wired this way don’t have a clue. Also I’m very observant and very interested in the creative expression of others. In the particular genius of others.

So, I notice amazing, amazing people with talent and they are seemingly not recognized and supported. Brilliant blog posts. Moving pieces of art. Singers on the street corners of my city. You know what I’m talking about. They are reaching for the stars, putting their hearts out there and they have drive, passion and the willingness to work hard.

Often what comes back is apathy….like they are creating in a world full of zombies.

Anyway, then I feel their bewilderment and bitterness. Cliches come to mind. “Leap and the net will appear.” “Do what you love and the money will follow.” “Build it and they will come.”

But this is the part that I know and I’m not going to attempt to convince anyone. Everyone else is responsible for their own journey.

Our world is changing rapidly into a new one. It really matters what choices we make and how we travel in attitude and energy and all that. Things are not as they appear and everyone needs to navigate according to what they feel is best.

It is totally worth it not to give up now. Well, perhaps one needs to quit doing something and begin something else. But keeping calm and carrying on? Nurturing our dreams and talents? Expressing our gifts? Having some faith?

It is so worth it. It sucks sometimes, things look unfair and I have really crappy days. No way do I want to give up. I don’t want to look back on this time and feel that I wasted it in whining and pouting.

And that’s why I keep rocking whatever I’ve got in the moment. And I’m thrilled when my fellow humans keep putting it out there even if it appears no one is paying attention. There is more attention on what we’re doing than we realize.

Writing What I Feel Like

It’s Thanksgiving. I haven’t been feeling well so I stayed home and slept most of the day. When I woke up I felt like making meat loaf and now I’m waiting for it to be ready to take out of the oven. It’s only the second time I’ve used this particular recipe and this time I didn’t leave out any of the ingredients so I’m thinking I’ll really like it.

Every once in awhile, something pops onto my radar regarding astrology. Today is one of those auspicious times. There’s a Sagittarius Solar Eclipse and New Moon. I’ve noticed New Moon’s are good for beginnings. In fact I began this blog during a New Moon almost a year ago and had fun with it until summer when I craved being out in the sunshine.

The internet reading I’ve done indicates this is a special Solar Eclipse. I’m not going to explain why–you can take my word for it. Or not.

Wherever the Solar Eclipse falls in a natal chart, is an area where it’s like a graduation now. Where more can be possible and restrictions fall away. Of course, these things aren’t handed out on a silver platter. I’m a believer in responsibility and self-authority.

Anyway, it happens to fall in my fifth house. Yes, I’ve had a natal chart professionally done. The fifth house is generally referred to as the one of creativity, fun, love, etc. Now that intrigued me. The information is often presented in a dry and serious manner. Doing a quick internet search, I found information about the fifth house that is more juicy and inspiring. The information is by Dana Gerhardt and she helps explain it by writing about the film Chocolat.

Very timely for me to read. There are many, many things I appreciate in this life. Right now I feel fortunate that this information is helping me to notice a fresh start. And I’m really looking forward to the meat loaf too.

Habit of Weekly Planning

In my previous life, my schedule was mostly dictated by the needs of other people and the necessary maintenance and putting out the fires of my daily existence.

Then after my personal apocalypse, life was dictated by what was physically and mentally possible in the moment and what was called for to keep body and soul together. As I began stretching into a new life, it was disappointing when I temporarily was unable to keep up the new pace. I understood about work expanding to the time available to complete it. It became increasingly important to tune into the nuances of not pushing myself and burning out but also to not slack-off more than was necessary. It developed new qualities in me that I wasn’t taught and I’m all for every silver lining I can get.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been doing something new–writing plans in my fancy day-planner for the week. I review the past week and give myself credit and validation for my accomplishments–important and easily overlooked when they aren’t much in comparison to my past self and to other people.

Then I note what is necessary to get done the following week. Then it’s the few things that by doing them would make me feel accomplished, competent and engaged in my life. There are other tiers listed that are flexible as to which day they get done in the possibility that I’ll have gains in energy, motivation and alertness. These gains can’t be counted on but they do happen more often and I like to be prepared.

So goes the rhythm of my life. I’m being responsible, grounded, authentic, appreciative and awake–all great qualities to have developed and also hard won.

There are many other folks in the world with similar paths to mine, something that might be forgotten when we’re being presented by clown-like, freakish personalities by the media on a daily basis.

What Writing Education?

There are always blogs to be found on writing here and once again I’ve just been reading some and am reminded that I’ve never been taught to write. That I recall. I was taught spelling in school, about nouns and verbs and such–punctuation but I don’t recall ever being taught to write. Which is odd because I like to write and I want to and I guess I’ll need to teach myself. Which I’m willing to do.
I grew up in a small mid-western town of about 750. There were 43 of us in my high school graduating class and it was a very poor school. Half of the young women were pregnant or had children, the Viet Nam war was still going and only a handful of us would go on to college or leave the area. A surprising number of us are deceased. If anyone wanted to be a writer, they were keeping it a big, big secret. Good idea.
My family lived way out in the country. I spent an unusual amount of time being isolated there. My mother had an eighth grade education and English was her second language. Often in school, I would be reprimanded by teachers or ridiculed by the other kids for pronouncing words incorrectly or just talking weird. Everyone had a kind of hillbilly accent which I wouldn’t learn until I left the area.
I read a lot of books, as many as I could get my hands on. There were very few books in our home and I made good use of the library. I recall a big deal about being allowed to check out Michener’s Hawaii because of a sex scene in it.
Having remarkably few conversations, my thinking voice and also some verbal exchanges became a mixture of the language in books, my mother’s style of speaking and what I picked up around me.
When I was working in the blue collar jobs I had, it didn’t go over well when I used big words. But often they were the only words that would come to mind when I was trying to express myself. Wanting to please, I would often attempt to tailor my speech and expression to whomever I was speaking to.
But it was often awkward and expressing myself still is. There’s often a feeling of not being clear or understood. And I don’t care as much but I am intending to learn some basic writing skills because I know things that I don’t have words for.
It’s almost a duty that people share what they know because we all need to teach and inspire each other.
More and more I realize how important it is for everyone to take responsibility for their own education. I made better than average grades because I wanted to be a good girl and I was a good memorizer. (What ever happened to that?) I didn’t really understand much though.

Distracted

There was something I wanted to write about–it was simple and yet seemed as though it might be helpful to someone happening upon this post some day. Now it’s gone and I’m going to let that be all right.

A few moments ago, I was very startled to see someone about twenty feet from me, smoking a cigarette on the roof next door and staring into my windows as I sit in the dark in my recliner. It made my heart start pounding. I’d been reading other blogs as I attempt to jog my memory about what I wanted to write.

I’ve been alert and productive lately but yesterday as I was being active I realized that my pain levels were going up. At that point I knew I needed to get the most important things done for the next few days because it would be awhile until I recovered.

That was true. I’ve had to take about four or five naps today and have been sluggish and spaced out while I was awake. In this situation, I remembered to move my consciousness vertically, instead of horizontally or heaven forbid, sideways. I’d be zombie-like, bring my attention into the moment and accept and make peace with where I was at. Then I’d gently reach for just a little higher perspective of what was going on. That can be done no matter what place we find ourselves in during any moment. After all, our lives are made up of these moments, like a tapestry. There’s contrast in a beautiful tapestry and every point isn’t dramatic and sparkling.

Well, that isn’t my lost idea of what I was going to write, but I think it’ll do.

Life Is A Gift

Much of my life has been hellish. But I like who I’ve become. It isn’t about where you go, what you get and what you give. It’s about who you become while you’re going, getting and giving.

I’m not content and I’m not at all wanting to keep the status quo. I have a lot of challenges and obstacles and I’m well aware that is true for all of humanity.

But I appreciate and admire who I’ve become with what I’ve had to work with.

Leaping

Will the net appear?

This could be called a crazy day. I made an impulsive choice, something I used to do quite a bit more often a long time ago. It’s been my m.o. to get ahead of myself, set myself to be a fool and I’ve done it again. It’s a learning opportunity and scary enough that I won’t write about it here until it’s over and then we’ll see.

So I guess I might be writing whistling-in-the-dark-posts for awhile. All my relatives that have passed on might be rolling their eyes next time they check in on me. Like I was supposed to grow out of this right after adolescence.

Actually with my health challenges, it may not work out so well at first but I can keep practicing and eventually get it. I’m not trying to tease here–I am too excited to write about anything else and I wanted to keep my daily blogging habit.

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