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The Master Cat by h.koppdelaney from Flickr Creative Commons

The Master Cat by h.koppdelaney from Flickr Creative Commons

Creativity and inspiration, like many things in life, arrives in waves and cycles. Seeing that truth as a problem when the wave is out or the cycle is quiet has never been helpful to my peace of mind. This week, there hasn’t been any inner urging to post about a particular subject and I was tempted to skip a week. It happens to bloggers all the time. Who would ever notice?

Different thoughts went through my mind like butterflies. Blogging once a week is a practice that is serving me well; if I skipped a week would I ever return? Doing things mindlessly, like an automaton, isn’t so good–yet, it didn’t seem as though my habit is quite that bad. There’s no need to compare any of my posts with any other, whether mine or another bloggers.

I decided to take extra care with brunch and not think about it. It can be pleasant to rest and not have something calling to be expressed. Showing up here is a healthy practice and contributes to my feeling that all is well and it doesn’t have to be a bigger deal than it actually is.

I found a great picture that demonstrates how I’m choosing to approach this lull in what I wish to blog about. And like a cat, I might spring into action when there is something to spark my interest again.

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A Taste of What Can Make the Soul Sing

Edgar Allen Poe's room; attribution to Futurilla; Flickr creative commons

Edgar Allen Poe’s room; attribution to Futurilla; Flickr creative commons

There are many reasons, known and unknown, why we choose what to pursue in life. Much of my focus has arisen from necessity and responsibility; there were limitations as to what was available to me and other people have had a tremendous influence as well.

Some things are so familiar, like water for a fish; now I’m talking about things that make one’s soul sing. For me that has been my love of old architecture. No one ever talked about architecture when I was growing up in an area where everything looked ugly to me. The first time I went to an art museum on a school trip, I loved the building as well as the Monets and other art. In school I wasn’t good at math, logic and whatever sort of things one needs to be good at to become an architect. The idea never crossed my mind for decades.

I’ve always been tuned in to a sort of hierarchy of what society considers most important; lovely buildings didn’t seem to be it. I recall the emotional impact of watching ugly housing projects implode on television and I enjoyed daydreaming about rehabilitating interiors. When I realized my love and looked into schooling, I became aware that much of building now is about boring stuff like codes and laws which ruins it all for me, even if the study were to be within my reach. I tend to think I built bridges and buildings in ancient times–that is the feeling I get.

Anyway, it was on my radar that people were fixing up houses and most of it seemed to be too much about business. It just made me feel kind of sad as I went about caring for the things in my life that made practical sense. So it was with delight that I noticed something on Pinterest about the Bronson Pinchot Project. He’s fixing up old homes in Pennsylvania and it’s being filmed for television. I honestly had never heard of him as an actor, although he’s famous, and I don’t have access to HGTV or the diy network. I very much enjoyed watching some Youtube videos and then looked through the confusing websites until I found this page where some of the episodes are available as of now.

I have different taste in decor than Mr Pinchot but if I could be an astronaut or a rock star or such, I’d likely do something similar to what he’s doing. Recently had an epiphany about all this. (I might have had it before and simply denied it.) I love to draw but I love real flowers and animals so much better than drawing them. Drawing fantasy architecture or simply utilizing classical details in drawings would be something I could really enjoy and satisfy my love. It’s given me lots to think about regarding people who need more passion in their lives but aren’t hopeful or have clarity about how to fit it in. Even a little taste could go a long way.

One of the things I enjoy about blogging here is searching through Flickr creative commons for a photo for my posts. In searching this time, I found this gem of a photo of Edgar Allen Poe’s room at the University of Virginia.

2013

photo by RLHyde from Flickr Creative Commons

photo by RLHyde from Flickr Creative Commons

It’s a new year. I didn’t post very often in 2012 and I think I can do once a week this year. Mondays will be a good day to do so.

What inspired me to blog when I started had something to do with the Misty Look Theme photo. I loved the stone bridge over the water of the quiet stream with the autumn colors and willow trees nearby and the gentle path. It is similar to the landscape in my interior world. When I see the new earth in my mind’s eye, it isn’t pastel and bubblegum colors with cartoon unicorns, rainbows and butterflies. Instead it’s a more grounded, classic beauty.

When I logged in last week with the intention of taking up blogging today, I was informed that Misty Look had an updated theme. It was now Misty Lake and I did not like it at all. It was the photo that disappointed. If I were more tech-inclined and patient there might have been a way to use the previous bridge photo with the Misty Lake theme.

The old theme can still be used but in the future the code will be unsupported. I’m not sure what that means but it didn’t sound like anything I wanted to be surprised with so I looked for another theme, chose this one and then spent time on Flickr searching for a festive photo that I would be allowed to use.

It isn’t a big deal but I could have easily just given up. Not bothered. I’m not sure what I’ll learn or who I’ll meet because of my new re-commitment to blogging. This will likely be a more sane and calm year than last although it has it’s challenges as well. Right now the snow is steadily falling here and I’ve managed to complete the first of my blog posts of the year.

State of the Blog

This blog got a comment I needed to approve or not so I was reminded of its existence. After tracking down my password I logged in and saw that it still gets views. That surprised me. It was never a well-read blog; I wrote for enjoyment and for something positive to do while I was continuing to go through some great challenges.

While I was posting I never thought beyond the possibility of someone reading within a day or two. It’s been almost a year since I’ve even logged in and now I see that every month someone reads something. I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve written but it’s given me pause to think how long some of this content sticks around.

Towards the end of my engagement here I was reading so much of what other people were doing that I didn’t really have time to attend to my own blog. It was a learning experience and I enjoyed it but in the end it just seemed that everyone was wanting attention and not really giving it to others. Maybe my perception is wrong but I just didn’t understand the game here.

Now that I’ve got my password info and this is on my radar again perhaps I’ll write from time to time.

Suddenly Lighter

Two of the most challenging things about blogging for me is my password and thinking of titles for my posts. When it comes to the actual writing, I just ramble like I talk. I don’t have to look at anyone’s blank expression or rolling eyes or smirking face here either.

After weeks of feeling like I was moving through molasses, things seemed to open up today and be a lot easier. I guess I could do some research to see if there was any planetary activity going on. Just kidding.

First of all, it has felt like Friday all day instead of Thursday. Out of nowhere I got up early and while waiting on laundry to cycle, I planned a budget for the next eight months. That is a miracle. Never have I been able to figure out a budget that I could stick to or that made any sense. You can scoff all you like that I’m not even into it for 24 hours, but the thing is that I have never found any software or templates that made any sense for my particular weird situation. (And I’m not going into that now.)

I have the Quicken starter edition. I got it less than two months ago and it doesn’t do what I was looking for. Likely when it comes time to need a new one, I’ll let it go.

After looking over free planners and software yesterday evening and this morning, not too far into the quest I found something that works for me. Nothing to download and I could customize it to my own unique needs. It’s a simple spreadsheet and didn’t take too long to fill out.

Basically what I have to work with is the money to live on for the next eight months. So I divided that up in a way that seemed beyond my abilities before. It simply doesn’t work anymore to not keep track of things but really, I have trouble with organization and it was all too overwhelming. Until this morning. So while it may be simple for you, I am feeling like an accomplished genius right now. Now my mind can rest until I need it for something else.

Other things were easier for me today too but this is major for me. Something that has seemed so complicated for decades just fell into place.

I’m sure it happens for other people too. WooHoo!

Static

I’m getting a lot done lately, especially on the weekend we just had. When the energy and motivation’s there to do something, I’ve learned to go with it even if it’s an odd time. Today I reorganized my pantry and saved some items from expiring and found things I didn’t know I had. It gives my intellect a break much in the same way that watching television or walking along the river does. I just made my choices, not having to listen to the opinions of the world and ignoring my inner critic, who to this day still jabbers at me about maybe doing some activity other than what I’m doing.

I write more lists and jot information down throughout the day and no longer expect my mind to remember so many things. Somewhere I’ve picked up the habit of expecting my mind to accomplish things that are really not it’s job.

I enjoy showing up here at my blog and don’t care if anyone reads it or not, although I like it when someone responds. With all the static in the world and people talking and seemingly not listening, it’s amazing when I log on here and see the weird spam comments. That surely must be automated in some way. What a total waste it seems and I wonder if anything ever, ever, ever makes it worthwhile to the ones who spew that out. I mean, here I am attempting to make time expand in the present moment and make choices to live a meaningful life and some sad soul has contributed more spam and static into the world.

And with that, I’m not going to think about it or mention it again.

A Year Later

This blog was started a year ago yesterday on a whim. I don’t recall what I was thinking at the time. It seems I may have been tired of being an eternal feedback machine for people talking at me but never listening. My blog–I could express myself and tune out everyone who wanted to argue with me.

Yeah, I have symptoms of chronic fatigue and one of the things that sinks my energy really fast if for someone to argue with me about something I’ve said. It really does make me want to say, “whatever.”

Also my creativity is messy. I was attracted to producing something that at first, superficial glance appeared to be polished and somewhat professional. I soon found that putting photos in was more work than I wanted to do.

I wanted to add some structure to my life. Not being able to depend on my health from one day to the next, it’s quite a challenge to walk that fine line of putting my health first and being productive and moving forward in my life. Often I’m the only one I’m accountable to and that whole integrity and responsibility and the like is really getting exercised on my part.

It has made a difference although I’m not quite clear as to why. Like today, I’m still not at my best and because I have some structure in place I’m not collapsing into a pile of mush, brain included.

The blog so far seems to be a winter seasonal thing. I’d really rather be outdoors. I still look at the blogs of others when I have time. It’s amazing really for someone who was born way before all this internet stuff happened. And like many other things, it makes a difference how each person finds a place to fit it into their own life. It feels like most of us have even less time than we did last year. I hope that gets flipped back soon.

Observations About Giving Up

There are a lot of things I don’t know. Sometimes I’m amazed that I got to be this age without learning some basic things–things that seem like trivia to me–that other people take for granted as fact.

Today I’m writing about something I do know and I don’t really care anymore who believes it or not.

I am very empathetic, which is I can feel what it’s like to be something or someone. People who are not wired this way don’t have a clue. Also I’m very observant and very interested in the creative expression of others. In the particular genius of others.

So, I notice amazing, amazing people with talent and they are seemingly not recognized and supported. Brilliant blog posts. Moving pieces of art. Singers on the street corners of my city. You know what I’m talking about. They are reaching for the stars, putting their hearts out there and they have drive, passion and the willingness to work hard.

Often what comes back is apathy….like they are creating in a world full of zombies.

Anyway, then I feel their bewilderment and bitterness. Cliches come to mind. “Leap and the net will appear.” “Do what you love and the money will follow.” “Build it and they will come.”

But this is the part that I know and I’m not going to attempt to convince anyone. Everyone else is responsible for their own journey.

Our world is changing rapidly into a new one. It really matters what choices we make and how we travel in attitude and energy and all that. Things are not as they appear and everyone needs to navigate according to what they feel is best.

It is totally worth it not to give up now. Well, perhaps one needs to quit doing something and begin something else. But keeping calm and carrying on? Nurturing our dreams and talents? Expressing our gifts? Having some faith?

It is so worth it. It sucks sometimes, things look unfair and I have really crappy days. No way do I want to give up. I don’t want to look back on this time and feel that I wasted it in whining and pouting.

And that’s why I keep rocking whatever I’ve got in the moment. And I’m thrilled when my fellow humans keep putting it out there even if it appears no one is paying attention. There is more attention on what we’re doing than we realize.

Summer

This year I am really enjoying the dry heat of summer where I’m living. Spring came late and much of my productivity from that time is paying off now as I drift a bit enjoying summer.

Many of my ambitions and intentions of being productive that I wrote down last winter are forgotten. I am enjoying my life though. Knowing myself, I will become all fired up about something again eventually and when the energy is there for it, I’ll make up for any time I feel I’m losing now.

Actually, I don’t feel like I’m losing time at all. When I stay in the present moment, time seems to expand, like a portable eternity. I get done what feels important for the day and what is aligned with my values. Without thinking too much about it. My mind is finally getting breaks from the hamster-wheel it has often been on during the past. The past I barely recall most of the time.

It has been good for my health. It has been good for my happiness. And I am still a responsible, caring, contributing member of the human race.

Often I have words to go with the enjoyable feelings and experiences..words that arrive easily…sometimes processing kinds of words as I emotionally or spiritually heal from this or that. They seem to be pertaining to me only and when I think about making my way to the computer–this one that has my WordPress password saved, since I don’t recall where I wrote it down–well, I just don’t arrive at this point to write.

It feels like two weeks or so since I’ve been here and I see it has been two months. Today I showed up to approve a comment that was offered on a previous post. But I am well and enjoying summer. Of course I have challenges and issues but I no longer am feeling that I’m hanging on by my fingernails. Or that I need to record my days as though I might be taking a scary journey through a weird landscape. I am simply enjoying the scenery. Or observing with interest the fun-house mirror weirdness.

When I speak, my words often still go in one ear and out the other, if that, to the one I am speaking too. But I mind less because I make sense to myself.

Outside of My Comfort Zone

O.K., I said I was going to blog Monday, Wednesday and Fridays instead of the post-a-day-thing. Yes, today is Thursday. I am making choices here and it isn’t like a lot of people read this, although I do appreciated the few who do.

I am “middle-aged” and I’m learning new things, fortunately by choice. It means I get disoriented, confused and frustrated. Everything new I want is outside of my comfort zone right now–and I’m going for it. I can explain it for myself but don’t have the energy to write about the details here here.

Some people my age have to be forced by necessity to make changes out of the status quo box. I have always been restless at some point–I am not a descendant of immigrants to plant myself somewhere safe and stay there forever.

My mind has been stretched beyond the habit of posting here everyday. I like reading a few of the blogs here—some regularly and then checking out some new freshly pressed ones. So, I am not going anywhere but it may be awhile before I have something report-worthy.

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