When the Crazy Comes Out

Spring Flowers by El Frito from  Flickr Creative Commons

Spring Flowers by El Frito from Flickr Creative Commons

I haven’t noticed any spring flowers in my area but they’re surely on the way. The sun has been shining more, the ice is gone from the sidewalks for the time being and sometimes it isn’t always windy. Windy is annoying and can lower my mood.

I can be puttering or rushing along and let something effect me and when I can see what’s happening I usually work at regaining some equanimity rather than going into a downward spiral. Lately I’ve noticed a fair amount of people flipping out of character, both in my personal life and with those I connect with online. The news headlines are full of stories of people who crossed over a line of going out of character to a seeming point of no return and now they must face consequences.

Loyalty is a value I hold dear, not abandoning people I care about on the basis of a downward turn in circumstances or the fact that they are no longer able to offer something they once did.

But when the crazy comes out I don’t want to invest too much time in understanding it. Tantrums, venomous spewing that seems to have no relation to whatever is going on in objective reality, vague overreactions, especially with online interactions–I just want to step away. Some people are consistently displaying attitudes but I’m writing about those who seem to lose it in a way that seems to come from out of nowhere.

When people show me by their actions who they are, I’m going to take more note of it. In the meantime I’m avoiding the wind where possible and am on alert for the first spring flower I see outdoors.

April Fool

It’s sunny and expected to be near seventy degrees again today. Then the weather will turn rainy and cooler for the weekend. Not bad at all but it’s so easy to get spoiled and acclimate to great weather.

Last night I shut down a party in my building. I live in a cool, historical building that attracts artists, musicians and young folks who work in the downtown hospitality industry. There’s usually a fair amount of nighttime noise. This was a bunch of musicians three floors below me. They had friends they hadn’t seen for awhile over and were playing keyboards loudly and doing some kind of white guy rapping with the F word quite often used. After several hours and getting close to 3:00 a.m., I got up and went looking for them. The acoustics in the building make it difficult to locate where such noise is coming from. It actually sounded like it was coming from outside the building. But I found them–surprised it was below me.

The two guys who came to the door were apologetic and thanked me for not calling the police. One shook my hand. They did shut down the music although the loud voices continued for awhile longer. Next time I’ll know right where to find them–in the past I’ve given up after looking for them on the top three floors.

I look a lot meaner than I am in the wee hours of the morning. Chronic pain has given me a stern, rather hard-ass look I think. Once they began apologizing, I could feel myself shifting internally and there was quite a delayed outward response about it being O.K. now.

I feel a bit like I’ve used up my energy reserves for the day but I’m going for my second wind and intend to make the most of this lovely spring day.

Showing Up Again

I still want to post every day this year, be positive and authentic, but am sorely disappointed in human nature and wondering if I can ever, ever fix all the mistakes I’ve made.

I’m tempted to write about the bok choy salad I’ve made instead. Rice noodles have made it onto my radar (gluten free) and I broke them into bits and sauteed them in butter and added chopped green onions and slivered almonds, soy sauce, apple cider vinegar and olive oil.

Or I could write about some of the production notes I’ve read about Midsomer Murders, a BBC series I have on dvd and love to watch. It costs two million dollars per episode! And takes five or six weeks to shoot. And in England there is a challenge with aircraft noise when shooting films.

Some things have currently made me jump back into survival mode. That’s what growth is, excavating, understanding, releasing and moving on and then doing it again and again. There’s nothing linear about it. It’s more like a dance.

There are basic developmental things I’ve missed out on and it causes problems. Our society encourages us to be in denial about a lot of things, soldier on, don’t act like a victim, be positive blah, blah, blah and a lot of time that’s all about the person dishing out that advice. They don’t want to feel uncomfortable, they don’t want us to drag down the vibrations, not pitch in to contribute to society enough or whatever it is that they’re perceiving that makes them so lacking in compassion and so abundant with poor advice.

So, I’ve wasted a lot of resources reaching for things without a proper foundation because no one would believe my history. This is the road I’m taking to learn to trust myself, not the people who have no clue what it’s like to be me.

Well, I guess that is obscure and the details don’t really matter. It’s simply been another rough day and I’ll get through to the sunny days again. I feel like a fool for trusting my fellow humans and that is sad.

The Little Things

I’m writing on my laptop, which has Vista, instead of on my netbook, which is newer and has Live Writer.  I have another window open–I carefully wrote a comment for one of the fresh-pressed blogs and it simply is taking forever to actually post.  I’ve made an effort to read other people’s blogs and my computer is not co-operating.  Now I just feel tired.

When I decided to begin this blog, I’d been handling things well for awhile. Sure there are lots of swamps and pain in my subconscious and I would do some clearing as I went along, not stirring things up too much so that I could have a life in the present. When something rears its ugly head, I deal.

That happened this morning and it coincided on a day when there was a break in the weather and I needed to get out and get more food, exercise and fresh air. I felt very emotional and that amazing thing where old horrors feel as though they are happening in the present, was running in the background.

Not a good day to think, so I focused on small steps forward. There were a few sparkles.  At 40 degrees, it felt almost balmy so I turned the heat off and opened a window.

I like squash and it’s very difficult for me to cut. In the autumn, I look longingly at the farmer’s market squash. At the local co-op, there was spaghetti squash cut in half today. I began to feel lighter then.  It was a little thing that made me feel more secure, without reading too much into it.

At Winco, I remembered that eggnog exists–and I got some. Something I can put brandy in besides coffee. Brandy is my winter drink, I guess–not that I’m much of a drinker.

I was thinking what for me is unusually mean thoughts as I was going about my business. Planning on going on sort of a strike, although no one would notice, I’m sure. There must have been some kind of vibe steaming off me because people seemed a little kinder–asked me how my day was going. Maybe they were all doing that for each other today–some days it’s like I’m invisible.

I was somewhat productive and avoided doing self-destructive things. That’s a hard lesson to learn. I promised myself that any new relationship would have an equal give-and-take. Good conversation is where both people get to be heard–I’m done with doing all the listening and all the fluffing for the other person.

All those people who are no longer in my life–the people I gave and gave to. Another hard lesson learned. Recently I read that the unemployed are the new lepers. That statement would be good to forget. I’m reminding myself that my choices do matter and they do show up on the level of auras and the energetic body. There are shining places in me even though others may only see some surface appearance.

It’s sad for me that I’m intelligent and because of my circumstances and whatever, I don’t really get to communicate with intelligent people. That’s as far as I’m going there right now.

My comment wasn’t posting so I closed that window. I won’t let the little things get me down. This pain I felt today is probably on the way out, bypassing my awareness. I won’t be carrying this particular bit anymore.  It can reinforce my resolve to do things differently in my relationships for the rest of my life. Bye-bye piece of blobby hurt.