Pain, Fungus, Death Hmmmph!

There was a pinkish red sky and snow on the ground when I got up this morning. Later it melted and the air felt fresh when I went out to do some shopping.

At first it was difficult to walk because I had nerve pains in my feet and legs. They would suddenly shoot and my legs would kind of collapse but I leaned on my cane and kept going. I’m used to it and have lost a lot of self-consciousness and embarrassment. When I consciously get a rhythm going, I walk much better.

I make different choices from lots of people. I don’t take any pain meds. That may be why I used to space out and distance myself from my body but I am too concerned about my organs to take drugs. I won’t even take over the counter stuff now. The discomfort always passes and I’m convinced that it’s part of getting well.

When I had emergency oral surgery several years ago, I was given generic Vicodin. Two days after I had to fly to the Midwest to clean out my mom’s house after her death. It was scary being away from my health care providers in my hometown where I felt alone and vulnerable. In a weird coincidence there were other funerals I had to attend there in amongst paperwork and such.

This was a year after my younger sister died. I’d taken care of her the last six months of her life, staying in her apartment in the small town she lived in, away from my home in Colorado. (This was all during several years of hell where an unbelievable amount of other stuff happened too which is why anyone who has an attitude that I’m a whiny victim can shut up and get out of my life.)

Anyway, I did take all the pain meds but not for jaw pain. I just wanted to take the edge off. I could totally understand how people can get addicted and when they wore off I felt irritable and negative. There was just enough experience with it for me to decide it was a bad way to go.

Now when I have pain, I go to bed and use a far infrared heating pad. I’m not so sure that’s good when my hip joints feel inflamed but it isn’t addictive and doesn’t damage my liver. Different choices than what some would make but I believe it’s right for me.

So today I got the skillet that’s non-toxic and am looking forward to a diet that is not only gluten-free but for awhile excludes all grains–anything that starves fungus. Mycotoxins are produced by fungus, which is rampant in our grain supply. Sorry if that grosses you out.

This diet is fairly simple but all the recipes in the cook books I have are for serving six or eight people. It’s just me that I cook for. Also they are expensive–like lobster and expensive cuts of beef. I’ve been creative though and have converted enough of the recipes that I think I can do this without feeling deprived. Part of my strategy is to not do it 100% so that a healing crisis is not so severe. Quality of life during this time is important. I also got chocolate ice cream today which is a rare treat.

This diet change is one of my goals and it has my interest right now, more so than the writing and art goals. That’s O.K. It won’t hold my focus so much for long and then I’ll need something else. I’m kind of moving toward my goals in a crab-like way instead of a linear way.

Of course, I am concerned about my future and would prefer to be healthy, employed and having the energy to be more engaged in life. But I know I’m doing the best that I can. Every day I read harsh remarks online made by people who are clueless and judgmental about other people. I’ll just let that go for now.

I guess this was kind of another rambling post but it’s what’s up for me.

Saturday would be my sister’s birthday.