The habit of comparison and competing with others is learned in school, on the job and by the onslaught of slicked-up polished role models which are presented to us by the media.  If that works well for you, fine.

It doesn’t work for me. As an empath, it throws wrenches and all sorts of other tools and emotions in my operating system and I tend to get wobbly and jerky and eventually shut down.

There was so little information about how this affected me in my earlier years that it has literally  placed a lot of wear and tear on my nervous system. As I learn to heal this, the performance of my nervous system begins to smooth out.

There will always be others higher on the proverbial skill and talent ladder than us. Also lower. What matters is where we are and where we want to go from there. When we’re in the third grade, enjoy that. When we’re in the ninth grade, we can enjoy that. 

By many people’s standards, my life isn’t so great. To me it often feels like it is amazing because two years ago I wasn’t really sure if I was going to be alive much longer. As the days stretched on and on and I was still hanging in there in a chronically fatigued sort of way, I wondered how I would look back on those years and whether or not I could even remember anything happening.

The progress I made was excruciatingly miniscule sometimes. Often it seemed like I was going backwards. Last year I began typing up some notes daily in an online journal. A private one. Just some real details of my life. 

It isn’t the sort of thing one wants to share with others. They don’t want to hear about problems, fears, details, negativity or any kind of neediness. Having a good attitude and dialing up appreciation and dialing down complaining makes for a better life.  I know that. If you don’t know and you don’t believe me, I won’t attempt to change your mind.

Anyway, these days I occasionally tend to think I’m not doing good enough until I read how I was doing last year. It is a sort of personal measure for me and happens to be inspiring.  Enough so that I will keep on doing it.  This might sound silly if you’re someone who routinely wins and improves and is relatively functional in the third dimensional reality. For someone like me who is basically decent and intelligent and persistent and hardworking but who has a rough time fitting in and accomplishing things, it can be validating in a way that doesn’t show up so much in the outer world. Especially coming back from major losses.  Other people have their hands full and their own dramas. It still is important for one to attend to the details of one’s own life, without comparing to others.

Today I impulsively invested in myself in a huge leap of faith. I may be getting way, way ahead of what I can ever realistically accomplish. It may have been a very foolish choice.  Surely I will learn something from it in the future though, if I continue to move in that direction and pay attention to my leading edges.  And also if I don’t compare myself to what others are doing and focus on my next steps. It’s can be very helpful to learn what does and does not work for others and what techniques and tools might help in one’s own life. Determining that is an inside job, requiring self-authority. That’s something I highly value in myself.