The Little Things

I’m writing on my laptop, which has Vista, instead of on my netbook, which is newer and has Live Writer.  I have another window open–I carefully wrote a comment for one of the fresh-pressed blogs and it simply is taking forever to actually post.  I’ve made an effort to read other people’s blogs and my computer is not co-operating.  Now I just feel tired.

When I decided to begin this blog, I’d been handling things well for awhile. Sure there are lots of swamps and pain in my subconscious and I would do some clearing as I went along, not stirring things up too much so that I could have a life in the present. When something rears its ugly head, I deal.

That happened this morning and it coincided on a day when there was a break in the weather and I needed to get out and get more food, exercise and fresh air. I felt very emotional and that amazing thing where old horrors feel as though they are happening in the present, was running in the background.

Not a good day to think, so I focused on small steps forward. There were a few sparkles.  At 40 degrees, it felt almost balmy so I turned the heat off and opened a window.

I like squash and it’s very difficult for me to cut. In the autumn, I look longingly at the farmer’s market squash. At the local co-op, there was spaghetti squash cut in half today. I began to feel lighter then.  It was a little thing that made me feel more secure, without reading too much into it.

At Winco, I remembered that eggnog exists–and I got some. Something I can put brandy in besides coffee. Brandy is my winter drink, I guess–not that I’m much of a drinker.

I was thinking what for me is unusually mean thoughts as I was going about my business. Planning on going on sort of a strike, although no one would notice, I’m sure. There must have been some kind of vibe steaming off me because people seemed a little kinder–asked me how my day was going. Maybe they were all doing that for each other today–some days it’s like I’m invisible.

I was somewhat productive and avoided doing self-destructive things. That’s a hard lesson to learn. I promised myself that any new relationship would have an equal give-and-take. Good conversation is where both people get to be heard–I’m done with doing all the listening and all the fluffing for the other person.

All those people who are no longer in my life–the people I gave and gave to. Another hard lesson learned. Recently I read that the unemployed are the new lepers. That statement would be good to forget. I’m reminding myself that my choices do matter and they do show up on the level of auras and the energetic body. There are shining places in me even though others may only see some surface appearance.

It’s sad for me that I’m intelligent and because of my circumstances and whatever, I don’t really get to communicate with intelligent people. That’s as far as I’m going there right now.

My comment wasn’t posting so I closed that window. I won’t let the little things get me down. This pain I felt today is probably on the way out, bypassing my awareness. I won’t be carrying this particular bit anymore.  It can reinforce my resolve to do things differently in my relationships for the rest of my life. Bye-bye piece of blobby hurt.